Adding to my guilt is that today, like last week, Donovan cried and cried when we arrived at the little daycare house on Girard Avenue and kept gesturing for me to pick him up and take him back outside. He doesn't speak many words yet, or in sentences, but I knew exactly what he wanted me to do. Again, I was completely torn: do I quickly walk out the door and trust that he will settle into the environment or give up and bring him back home?
Like last week I hugged and hugged him and finally walked out the door. I checked on him a half hour later by text, and the owner responded that he was fine, sitting in circle time. I guess I didn't do wrong by leaving, but then I don't think there is a "right" answer to this situation. I want this to work for Donovan and me. The free time and space is good for me and the socialization and expansion of his world is good for him.
It's just very hard to see him so distraught and to walk out the door. And at my worst moments the question, "Am I a selfish parent?" still nags at me.
So what did I do with 8 hours of me time?
- First I got a latte at the coffee shop next door to the daycare and sent Peter a text to tell him that Donovan cried again when I dropped him off at daycare.
- I walked home.
- I finished my latte while flipping through a couple catalogs. Then Jeannine, our tax preparer called and gave me a cautionary talk about our tenuous income-to-mortgage-ratio and the possibility that we may be overspending on our planned house renovation. The conversation moved into the topic of what ails Philly and the corrupt, rich thugs who keep the Delaware riverfront from evolving into a clean and public green space to be enjoyed by all. That topic gets me worked up and angry.
- When we hung up an hour later, I rushed off to Whole Foods to do the the grocery shopping. Not exactly my ideal day-off activity, but I was able to shop at my own pace with no pressure to hurry because somebody could act up in the cart seat at any moment. Unfortunately, I hit WF right at the busy lunch time -- dread -- but I refused to get worked up about the hunt for parking or the crowd of pushy, hungry, lunch customers. I even enjoyed a conversation with a Whole Foods employee about infused vinegars and making great salads.
- Back home, I unpacked groceries at a leisurely pace. I organized and swept the kitchen and did a partial fridge-cleaning.
- Chores out of the way, I ate a delicious mango. And an apple. And I planned dinner prep.
- Then I went upstairs to do some writing, after putting it off all day! But first, I browsed some garden websites looking for creepers, or ground covers, that would add some green patches to our evolving front yard garden.
- And finally, I wrote this blog post.
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