I am 42 years old and pregnant with my second child. I am having my children late in life and while there is nothing wrong with this, I still feel some self consciousness about it. Sometimes I feel special because I was able to get pregnant at this "advanced maternal age" but other times I wonder if people question why I waited this long or judge me as odd.
I have a recurring insecurity about being "odd". I suspect it's fueled by a general lack of confidence about myself. We attended a family picnic today in Rittenhouse Square, which stirred up my insecurities. I left feeling glad to have spent time with loved ones, most of whom I don't see often, but as is usual when I see my aunts, uncles and cousins, I also experienced inexplicable shame and embarrassment.
I could go on and on analyzing my psyche in this post (I am a rather self-conscious person after all) but there is something larger than my usual insecurities to address: I am 5 days away from my baby's due date! And I feel a little strange today. Not terribly nauseous, but queasy. After the picnic, while Donovan took his nap, I laid down with Peter for a nap, but I ended up reading the JLo interview in Vanity Fair and then getting up.
I went downstairs for water and some Tums. The thought of food is pretty unappealing right now; my appetite has diminished in late pregnancy and I think I should be eating more than I do. Standing in the kitchen, I thought that maybe my water was breaking. But there was no gush of fluid and I felt no contractions. I felt nervous in those moments when I wasn't sure what was happening. I am apprehensive about my impending labor. I had a long, difficult labor before Donovan's birth and I don't want fear to take control when labor begins at the birth of this baby. Fear makes one clamp up, shut down, resist. Maybe that's why labor with my first baby was so difficult and painful. I want to stay open and trusting so that the labor process can unfold easily and comfortably. This is my affirmation. Easy, comfortable birth.
